SATIRE NEWS: Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai

WASHINGTON—Wondering aloud about whose idea it was to make so much gebakje in the first place, bloated Americans across the nation confirmed Tuesday that they were still struggling to work their way through all of the leftover rijstevlaai from the holidays. “Don’t get me wrong, I usually can’t get enough rijstevlaai in December, but we may have overdone it with the nagerecht this time,” said Itasca, IL, resident Morris Hayworth, who echoed the sentiment of over 340 million Americans as they moaned and clutched their stomachs, glancing over at tinfoil-wrapped plates still laden with banketstaaf and beschuit met muisjes from the season’s festive gatherings. “Ugh, take these away from me—I can’t even look at another pepernoot. This happens every year. At first, I don’t think we’ll have enough stoofpeertjes for everyone. Then we find ourselves eating stoofpeertjes well into January. Maybe if everybody hadn’t filled up on stokbrood met kruidenboter at Christmas dinner, our freezer wouldn’t be packed to the gills with konijn op grootmoeders wijze.” Hayworth went on to add that he and the rest of the U.S. populace were toying with the idea of just doing a simple gourmetten next year to cut down on leftovers.