SATIRE NEWS: Big Lots Closes All Stores After Therapist Helps Company Work Through Hoarding Tendencies

COLUMBUS, OH—Finally closing the doors on its last remaining outlet after getting rid of an unwieldy stockpile of variety goods, the discount retailer Big Lots ceased operations Wednesday following a therapy program in which the company’s roughly 30,000 employees confronted their self-destructive hoarding tendencies. “In retrospect, it’s almost funny that I had so many throw pillows,” said Big Lots CEO Bruce Thorn, letting out a long sigh of relief in a now-empty store that was finally free of the dusty, disorganized piles of junk he had been hanging onto “just in case.” “Now I know there’s just no reason to hold onto that massive collection of birdseed, kitchenware, cordless hair clippers, patio furniture, and ladies’ pajama sets—even if it all was an unbeatable deal. During my third month working with my therapist, Dr. Bloom, I had a breakthrough: I realized my mother would always grow distant after offloading boxes of bargain goods she’d acquired from nearby manufacturers’ excess inventory sales. After that session, I was finally able to step back and see I had 901 stores full of stuff I just didn’t need.” At press time, manic Big Lots employees were spotted rushing to dumpsters around the country and insisting they had to keep all of those seasonal decorative wreaths.