SATIRE NEWS: Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my family’s great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never could have done it had it not been for the many millions of subjects we ruled with an iron fist,” read the handwritten message taped to the front door of the presidential palace, expressing gratitude for the decades in which the Assads used their unchecked power to enrich themselves to the tune of several billion dollars. “As a humble mom-and-pop dictatorship, it was an honor to provide the community for so many years with torture, forced disappearances, extrajudicial killings, and deadly chemical attacks.” The note added that while the family was not yet sure who would take over their business in Syria, they remained confident someone would emerge to take the place of their boot on the throat of civilians.