SATIRE NEWS: Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. “Hop on in, big guy—I’ve got this water seasoned just right to soothe and tenderize those sore muscles,” said Reid, wearing a chef’s hat over his headset as he stirred the water with a large wooden paddle and periodically added peppercorns, kosher salt, and rosemary to help “open up [Jones’] pores” and draw out “toxins and flavor.” “Stay in there for about eight hours so all these healing ingredients can deeply penetrate your tissues. You’ll know you’re fully recovered when your internal temperature is around 160 degrees. In the meantime, rub yourself down with this garlic to help with inflammation, and pay no mind if I come over and poke you with a fork from time to time—it’s a special acupuncture technique that’ll really get those savory juices flowing.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Reid was licking his lips and adding a couple of sticks of butter to the tub as he muttered, “God, you’re gonna be so nice and tender and ready to play after this,” to his slow-braising player.