SATIRE NEWS: Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In

ORCHARD PARK, NY—Providing context for anyone who might’ve missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday night’s Dolphins-Bills game to recap the entire history of American football for viewers just tuning in. “Now, before we get to this 3rd-and-7, a little background for those just joining us: Football began in the 19th century as an adaptation of rugby and soccer, with the first known contest played in 1869 when Rutgers met Princeton in New Brunswick for a frigid afternoon of mud and mayhem, no helmets, no hash marks…” said Michaels midway through the first quarter, launching into what would become a game-long monologue covering hundreds of notable moments throughout the evolution of the game, a small number of which included Walter Camp’s rule changes, the advent of the forward pass (“Now here’s where the game becomes more chess than demolition derby”), Teddy Roosevelt’s safety reforms, the American Professional Football Association, the sport’s postwar surge in popularity, Paul Brown’s visionary coaching, The Greatest Game Ever Played, the AFL-NFL merger, the first Super Bowl, Mean Joe Greene’s Coke commercial, Roone Arledge’s broadcast innovations, the Immaculate Reception, the salary cap, decade-by-decade advancements in punt coverage, blitz packages, pylon cams, Jerry Jones’ Cowboys, the class-action concussion lawsuit, and key players from virtually every year over the past century. “…Of course, you can’t talk about the modern game without mentioning the West Coast offense, and you can’t mention the West Coast offense without exploring the legacy of Bill Walsh, who popularized the scheme with the 49ers in the ’80s and later saw it implemented by members of his coaching tree—Mike Holmgren, Jon Gruden, Andy Reid, John Harbaugh, Mike Shanahan, and Mike McCarthy as well as current Dolphins head coach Mike McDaniel, who, I should note, is absolutely livid down on the sideline right now. We’ll see what that’s all about in a moment, but back to the West Coast offense. Now, to fully understand how it shaped the league, I have to take a few minutes to explain how it shaped the career of a certain unheralded third-round pick out of Notre Dame by the name of Joe Montana, whose rugged upbringing in a small coal mining town set the foundation for what would become one of the greatest….” At press time, Michaels had begun a detailed breakdown of the 1994 season and its historical significance while the two-minute warning came and went.