SATIRE NEWS: ‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism

PORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn’t work on him. “I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb ad,” said He Who Has Been Foretold, whose name will be celebrated for centuries as the man who finally saw through the deception of consumerism and led humanity into a golden age of free thought and spiritual nourishment. “I honestly don’t even remember most ads. I usually mute them so I can actually talk with Jen about what we’re watching. It’s so stupid that people tie up their whole identity in products just because Nike tells them its shoes will make them look cool. Honestly, sometimes the only thing an ad does is make me not want to buy a product. I actually use this thing called AdGuard that stops bots from tracking me online and completely blocks ads so I can just think for myself. I love that I’m screwing over these stupid companies. Instead of giving them my money, I just stick with high quality stuff like Brooklinen.” At press time, the all-seeing sage, who will be honored with statues around the world for freeing mankind from the shackles of corporate marketing, was telling onlookers that anyone who cares about celebrities is stupid.