SATIRE NEWS: Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker

PITTSBURGH—After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in the heart of Pittsburgh. “I’ve always loved Pittsburgh, and I’m excited to finally get settled into a new survival shelter in an undisclosed location deep beneath the city,” said the controversial four-time MVP, adding that he “couldn’t be happier” to have purchased the windowless, 10,000-square-foot fortified structure, which is equipped with custom air filters, a state-of-the-art water purification system, and years’ worth of emergency supplies, in addition to being located just a short drive from Acrisure Stadium. “This city has such a rich history, and the minute I opened the double reinforced steel doors of this home and entered its anti-woke chamber, I knew it was the one. I loved my old doomsday bunker in New Jersey, but there’s no place I’d rather stockpile weapons and prepare for the impending end of days than right here in the ’Burgh.” At press time, Rodgers had sparked marriage rumors after expressing excitement that his bunker had both a trad wife wing and a birthing chamber.