SATIRE NEWS: 14 Years Avoiding ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’ Spoilers Undone In Single Moment Of Carelessness

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off social media, I steered clear of film podcasts, and then the one second I let my guard down, some guy behind me on the bus goes and blurts out the ending to his girlfriend,” Stackelberg said as he dejectedly cradled his head in his hands, adding that he had forgone the earplugs he normally wears on public transit to avoid Mr. Popper’s Penguins spoilers out of a foolhardy belief that he would be safe because he was only traveling two stops. “I blame myself, really. I should have gotten off the bus as soon as I heard that guy mention he was a Jim Carrey fan. I’d been meaning to watch Mr. Popper’s Penguins for so long, and it really looked like this Saturday was finally going to be the night. But I choked right in the home stretch, and now I’ll never be able to go in fresh and fully experience the power of Mr. Popper’s ultimate redemption.” Witnesses later reported seeing Stackelberg huffing solvents and slamming his head against the ground in a desperate attempt to erase the Mr. Popper’s Penguins spoilers from his mind.