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β€œThe gateway to empathy is emotional literacy,” said Borba.

Travel & Lifestyle: How To Raise Kids Who Care About Other People

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You don’t have to follow the news closely to notice that hateful and dehumanizing rhetoric has entered our political and cultural discourse, while common decency and care for fellow humans seems to have faded into the background.

As deep-seated divisions, vitriol and even political violence fill headlines, many people are wondering what happened to the qualities of empathy and kindness in our society. In the same vein, many parents are wondering how to raise kids who will be a force for love and goodness in the face of bitterness and hate.

HuffPost spoke to psychologists, parents and other experts about how to instill empathy in children.

Talk About Feelings

β€œThe gateway to empathy is emotional literacy,” said Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and the author of numerous parenting books, including β€œUnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.”

A simple way to foster emotional literacy is by promoting face-to-face communication in the age of texting and smartphones. β€œDigital-driven kids aren’t necessarily learning emotions when they pick emojis,” Borba said. β€œMake it a rule in your house to always look at the color of the talker’s eyes because it will help your child tune in to the other person.”

Another key aspect is teaching kids to identify their own emotions early on. β€œUse emotional language with kids. Say things like, β€˜I see you’re really frustrated,’ or, β€˜I see you’re really mad,’” Laura Dell, an assistant professor at the University of Cincinnati’s School of Education, told HuffPost.

β€œBefore children can identify and empathize with other people’s feelings, they need to understand how to process their own feelings,” she continued. β€œOnce they can identify their own emotion, they’re better able to develop those self-regulation skills to control their own emotions ― and then take the next step to understand the emotions of others.”

Blend Images – KidStock via Getty Images

β€œThe gateway to empathy is emotional literacy,” said Borba.

Ravi Rao, a pediatric neurosurgeon turned children’s show host, believes parents should teach feelings as much as they teach things like colors and numbers.

β€œYou’ll see parents walking through the park and taking every opportunity to ask, β€˜What color is that man’s jacket?’ β€˜What color is the bus?’ β€˜How many trees are there?’” he explained. β€œYou can also practice emotion by saying things like, β€˜Do you see the woman over there? Does she look happy or does she look sad?’”

Rao also recommends playing a β€œguess what I’m feeling” game at home by making happy or sad faces and asking your children to identify the emotion. β€œYou just get their brains in the habit of noticing the signals on other people’s faces.”

Once kids have a better sense of emotions and how things make them feel, you can ask them about the emotional perspectives of others. β€œYou can ask things like, β€˜How do you think it made Tommy feel when you took his toy?’ or, β€˜That made Mommy really sad when you hit me,’” said Borba.

Use Media To Your Advantage

Watching TV or reading books together presents another great opportunity to cultivate empathy, according to Madeleine Sherak, a former educator and the author of Superheroes Club, a children’s book about the value of kindness.

β€œDiscuss instances when characters are being kind and empathetic, and similarly, discuss instances when characters are being hurtful and mean,” she suggested. β€œDiscuss how the characters are probably feeling and possible scenarios of how the situations may have been handled differently so as to ensure that all characters are treated kindly.”

Discussing books, movies and TV shows together is a great way to cultivate empathy.

Hero Images via Getty Images

Discussing books, movies and TV shows together is a great way to cultivate empathy.

Borba recommends engaging in emotionally charged films and literature like β€œThe Wednesday Surprise,” β€œCharlotte’s Web” and β€œTo Kill a Mockingbird.”

Set An Example

Parents need to walk the walk and model empathy themselves, noted Rao.

β€œKids will pick up on more things than just what you say. You can say, β€˜Pay attention to other people’s feelings,’ but if the child doesn’t perceive or witness you paying attention to people’s feelings, it doesn’t necessarily work,” he explained.

Rao emphasized the importance of parents using language to convey their own emotional states by saying things like, β€œToday, I’m really frustrated,” or, β€œToday, I’m really disappointed.” They can practice empathy when role-playing with dolls or action figures or other games with kids as well.

It’s also necessary for parents to recognize and respect their children’s emotions, according to Dell.

Parents need to model empathy as well.

kohei_hara via Getty Images

Parents need to model empathy as well.

β€œFor kids to show empathy to us and others, we need to show empathy to them,” she explained. β€œOf course it’s tough as a parent trying to get multiple kids to put on their clothes and shoes and get out the door to go to school in the morning. But sometimes it makes a difference to take that pause and say, β€˜I see it’s making you really sad that we can’t finish watching β€˜Curious George’ this morning, but if we finished it, we wouldn’t be able to make it to school on time, and it’s really important to get to school on time.’”

β€œIt doesn’t mean you have to give in to their wants all the time, but to recognize you understand how they feel in a situation,” she added.

Acknowledge Children’s Acts Of Kindness

β€œParents are always praising children for what grades they got or how they did on a test. You can also boost their empathy by letting them know it matters to develop a caring mindset,” said Borba, noting that when children do things that are kind and caring, parents can stop for a moment to acknowledge that.

β€œSay, β€˜Oh, that was so kind when you stopped to help that little boy. Did you see how happy it made him?’” explained Borba. β€œSo your child realizes that caring matters, because you’re talking about it. They then begin to see themselves as caring people and their behavior will match it.”

Expose Them To Differences

β€œParents have to help their children grow up and thrive in a diverse society through education about and exposure to others who are different, whether culturally, ethnically, religiously, in physical appearance and ability or disability,” Sherak said.

Take advantage of opportunities for exposing your children to diversity in your community.

Photo by James Keith via Getty Images

Take advantage of opportunities for exposing your children to diversity in your community.

There are many ways to expose your children to the diversity of the world ― like reading books, watching certain movies and TV shows, eating at restaurants with different cuisines, visiting museums, volunteering in your community, and attending events hosted by various religious or ethnic groups.

β€œIt is also important to follow up such visits and activities with open discussions and additional questions and concerns, if any,” said Sherak. β€œIt is also valuable to discuss differences in the context of our children’s own environments and experiences in the family, at school, in their neighborhoods, and in the larger community.”

Parents can urge local schools to promote cross-cultural awareness in their curricula as well, said Rao.

β€œWe also just have to eliminate jokes about race and culture from our homes,” he added. β€œMaybe back in the day making jokes about race like Archie Bunker seemed acceptable and part of what the family did when they got together on holidays. But that actually undermines empathy if the first thought a child learns about a race or group of people is something derogatory learned from humor. It can be very hard to then overcome that with other positive messages.”

Own Up To Your Mistakes

β€œIf you make a mistake and behave rudely toward someone who messes up at a store checkout, for example, I think you should acknowledge that mistake to kids,” said Dell. After the bad moment, parents can say something like, β€œWow I bet she had a lot on her hands. There were a lot of people at the store right then. I should’ve been a little kinder.”

Acknowledging and talking about your own lapses in empathy when your kids are there to witness them makes an impression. β€œYour child is right there watching, seeing everything,” Dell explained. β€œOwn up to moments you could’ve made better choices to be kinder to the people around you.”

Make Kindness A Family Activity

Families can prioritize kindness with small routines like taking time at dinner every night to ask everyone to share two kind things they did, or writing down simple ways to be caring that they can all discuss together, said Borba. Playing board games is another way to learn to get along with everybody.

Borba also recommended volunteering together as a family or finding ways that your children enjoy giving back.

Volunteering is another great way to promote empathy.

Hero Images via Getty Images

Volunteering is another great way to promote empathy.

β€œIf your kid is a sports guru, then helping him do arts and crafts with a less privileged kid might not be the best match, but you can find other opportunities for face-to-face giving that match their interests,” she explained. β€œHelp them realize the life of giving is better than the life of getting.”

Families might also consider writing down their own mission statements, suggested Thomas Lickona, a developmental psychologist and author of β€œHow to Raise Kind Kids: And Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain.”

β€œ[It’s] a set of β€˜we’ statements that express the values and virtues you commit to live by ― for example, β€˜We show kindness through kind words and kind actions’; β€˜We say we’re sorry when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings’; β€˜We forgive and make up when we’ve had a fight,’” he explained.

Lickona also recommended holding everyone accountable to the family values at weekly family meetings centered around questions like, β€œHow did we use kind words this week?” and, β€œWhat would help us not say unkind things even if we’re upset with somebody?”

β€œWhen kids slip into speaking unkindly ― as nearly all sometimes will ― gently ask for a β€˜redo,’” he said. β€œβ€˜What would be a kinder way to say that to your sister?’ Make it clear that you’re asking for a redo not to embarrass them, but to give them a chance to show that they know better. Then thank them for doing so.”

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Another piece of advice from Lickona: Just look around.

β€œEven in today’s abrasive, angry, and often violent culture, there are acts of kindness all around us. We should point these out to our children,” he said. β€œWe should explain how kind words and kind deeds, however small ― holding the door for someone, or saying β€˜thank you’ to a person who does us a service ― make a big impact on the quality of our shared lives.”



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