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WASHINGTON—Touting the renovation as a long-overdue effort to bring the U.S. government’s command and control hub into the 21st century, the White House announced Friday that it had rebranded the Situation Room as a dark, moody drum-and-bass-oriented dance lounge known as Club Situation. “Thanks to these recent updates, there’s now no hotter place for those with top secret clearance and an urge to cut loose during a national security crisis than Club Situation,” said club manager Jake Sullivan, describing other additions allowed by their $50 million development budget such as a black light-illuminated dance floor, extrajudicial detainees writhing in cages, bottle service to celebrate successful drone strikes, and tropical house and hyperpop-inflected tracks spun by DJ Jeff Zients. “We were also able to construct a vitally needed VIP area where the president can receive a glass of Courvoisier and classified intelligence about the hottest ladies out there tonight. Yes, there’s a bit of a wait to get in, but once you’re there, everyone who’s anyone is back there. You just have to leave your phone at the door, because shit gets crazy fast.” At press time, Vice President Kamala Harris was spotted outside Club Situation telling the skeptical bouncer she knew someone in there and begging to be let inside.
