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SATIRE NEWS: What Trump Meant By There Would Be A ‘Bloodbath’ If He Loses

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will “be a bloodbath for the country.” The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.

It was about how Trump and his supporters will slaughter everyone with whom they disagree

It was about how Trump and his supporters will slaughter everyone with whom they disagree

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Pretty straightforward, honestly.

All the stabbing

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Stabbing and stabbing and stabbing with a sharp, blood-stained knife can often get messy.

Race war

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At least he came right out and said it.

He meant to say ‘bloodhound’

He meant to say ‘bloodhound’

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Awwwww! Look at that little droopy face! Look at it!

He was referring to familicide

He was referring to familicide

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No need to panic. Trump doesn’t plan on committing violence against anyone other than his loved ones.

It was just his old catchphrase from ‘The Apprentice’

It was just his old catchphrase from ‘The Apprentice’

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When Trump hosted the popular reality television program, he famously referenced the bloodshed of his enemies and called immigrants animals.

Trump meant it as a Rorschach test

Trump meant it as a Rorschach test

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What you interpreted when you heard him predict a bloodbath says more about you than about Trump. He was merely holding up a mirror to your subconscious.

Forgot he ate beets

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The rally caught him in a moment of panic after using the restroom.

It was about the auto industry

It was about the auto industry

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Although the ‘bloodbath’ comments sound alarming out of context, Trump was simply threatening to personally lock the doors of the Ford plant with everyone inside and light it on fire.

Who knows?

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Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what Trump said—it only matters how he made you feel.

Trump was warning about the ‘bald booth’ using an anagram

Trump was warning about the ‘bald booth’ using an anagram

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Trump was referring to the fact that if he is not elected in November, Democrats will set up special booths in Chili’s where only bald men can sit and talk about bald things.

He’s hallucinating again

He’s hallucinating again

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Looks like he’s having one of his episodes. Better tie him down so he doesn’t hurt himself.

It was a mistranslation

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Due to Trump’s propensity to deliver speeches in the more literary Old Church Slavonic, subpar translators often take creative liberties.

He meant to say there would be a bloodbath regardless of whether he wins or loses

He meant to say there would be a bloodbath regardless of whether he wins or loses

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The threat of violence is not conditional—it’s assured!

He’s addicted to violent video games

He’s addicted to violent video games

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Losing the election means he’ll have even more time to play, which could cause the lines between reality and Grand Theft Auto to blur even more.

He was threatening suicide

He was threatening suicide

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In order to elicit sympathy, Trump was trying to say that if he lost, he was going to slit his wrists in the tub for real this time.

He was referring to the Swedish death metal supergroup

He was referring to the Swedish death metal supergroup

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Trump is a massive fan of Opeth, Katatonia, and Paradise Lost, so when you put their members together? That’s a match made in hell.

That he’ll put on his extra sharp dentures if he loses

That he’ll put on his extra sharp dentures if he loses

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If Biden emerges victorious in 2024, Trump has threatened to wear his vampire dentures and bite Democrats’ necks.

That Biden would trip and fall

That Biden would trip and fall

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Trump’s allies said he was extremely nervous that Biden would trip, fall, and accidentally break something if he wasn’t careful.

All the blood he would order his supporters to donate to the Red Cross

All the blood he would order his supporters to donate to the Red Cross

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On day one of his second term, Trump has vowed to order every single one of his supporters to converge on Red Cross headquarters and donate several liters of blood.

Gutting the consolation fish

Gutting the consolation fish

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He’s keeping a gigantic blue marlin alive in a tank to drown his sorrows with should the election not go his way.

That his kidney stones would act up again

That his kidney stones would act up again

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All the stress of losing would calcify small stones in his ureter and cause him to pee blood.

He watched ‘The Shining’ again right before bed

He watched ‘The Shining’ again right before bed

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This is exactly what happened last time Melania let him watch it.

That he is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator who would kill anyone who had opposed him

That he is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator who would kill anyone who had opposed him

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He keeps trying to clarify this, but the media keeps spreading lies and calling it a gaffe.

He meant he was going to kill you, specifically

He meant he was going to kill you, specifically

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