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SATIRE NEWS: What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money

SATIRE NEWS: What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

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With prices for digital currencies plummeting, The Onion provides helpful advice on what to say to someone who lost all of their money in the crypto crash.

“Have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“Have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

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Broken, vulnerable people are in prime position to be open to His word.

“That’s nuts! I sold all mine really early, so I just made money.”

“That’s nuts! I sold all mine really early, so I just made money.”

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Let them know what to do next time they want to get involved in a pyramid scheme.

“I’m sorry, but I find crypto far too boring to care about your plight.”

“I’m sorry, but I find crypto far too boring to care about your plight.”

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They should have gotten scammed in a more interesting way.

“Sharks can’t get cavities because their teeth are covered in fluoride.”

“Sharks can’t get cavities because their teeth are covered in fluoride.”

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You never know when a fun animal fact might brighten someone’s spirits.

“Do you have change for a 20?”

“Do you have change for a 20?”

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They did just say they lost everything, but it doesn’t hurt to ask before you try the 7-11 around the corner.

“This is the last straw! You said we’d be rich, and now we have nothing! I’m leaving you, you no good son of a bitch! I should have listened to my mother.”

“This is the last straw! You said we’d be rich, and now we have nothing! I’m leaving you, you no good son of a bitch! I should have listened to my mother.”

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Better late than never.

“Can I have $500?”

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They’ve proven they’re bad with money. Might as well exploit it.

“Well, when you think about it, real money is fake too.”

“Well, when you think about it, real money is fake too.”

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Help them focus on the silver lining that traditional currency could collapse someday too.

“Try investing in something more secure, like mortgage-backed securities, Japanese real estate, or unprofitable internet startups.”

“Try investing in something more secure, like mortgage-backed securities, Japanese real estate, or unprofitable internet startups.”

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Follow the smart money.

“Take a look into the wares in my suitcase, my fine sir. I’ve got unguents, ointments, tinctures, sprays, and patented cures for problems in the bedroom ways. All for less than a nickel a pop!”

“Take a look into the wares in my suitcase, my fine sir. I’ve got unguents, ointments, tinctures, sprays, and patented cures for problems in the bedroom ways. All for less than a nickel a pop!”

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Hey, if you sense blood in the water, you should just make your case and see what happens.

“You should read more articles on TheOnion.com.”

“You should read more articles on TheOnion.com.”

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They may as well join the other gibbering idiots in our readership trying to take their minds off their abject failures in life.

“Crypto was just going to get regulated anyway.”

“Crypto was just going to get regulated anyway.”

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Being a stable currency with federal guidelines would have taken all the fun out of it.

“I offer you my digital sympathies.”

“I offer you my digital sympathies.”

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It’s considered polite to engage with them in a way they’ll understand.

“Here’s $1.5 million.”

“Here’s $1.5 million.”

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It’s not going to be easy for them to start over, but you can help get them back on track to lose it all again.

“At least you’re not going to jail.”

“At least you’re not going to jail.”

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Most likely.

“If it’s any consolation, I got dumped from SBF’s polycule.”

“If it’s any consolation, I got dumped from SBF’s polycule.”

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Being able to share stories about being screwed over by the same person can help you bond and get over your traumas.

“The spare room has all the holiday decorations in it at the moment.”

“The spare room has all the holiday decorations in it at the moment.”

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Better to lead with this before they can start dropping hints about needing someplace to crash.

“This next one is by a little band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

“This next one is by a little band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

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Your job as a DJ is to play the hits regardless of who’s in the crowd.

“You should probably kill yourself.”

“You should probably kill yourself.”

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After being defrauded in a massive investment scam, it’s comforting to know the only thing left to do is end it all.



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