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SATIRE NEWS: What Reddit Users Can Expect Now That The Company Is Public

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The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit users can expect now that the company has gone public.

Girls Will Be Allowed To Log On

Girls Will Be Allowed To Log On

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Some Really Great Furry Erotica Will Probably Be Taken Down

Some Really Great Furry Erotica Will Probably Be Taken Down

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This isn’t pornography. This is erotic art. It’s like removing a Caravaggio because it depicts the human form in all its pathos and glory. Fucking awful.

We’re All Going To Be Rich

We’re All Going To Be Rich

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Comments Will Cost Users Per Word

Comments Will Cost Users Per Word

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Reddit will begin charging users $0.30 for every word they write in a comment, with the bright side being that every 10th word is free.

Reddit Will Go Out Of Print

Reddit Will Go Out Of Print

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A major disappointment for Redditors who preferred the print version of the popular forum, Reddit will now go the way of Seventeen and InStyle and be online only.

Another Torch Will Be Extinguished By The Rapacious Hands Of Capital

Another Torch Will Be Extinguished By The Rapacious Hands Of Capital

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No more illumination for you in the already gloomy world. Darker and darker and darker…

Some Wall Street Trader Is Going To Get A Beautiful New Manhattan Penthouse

Some Wall Street Trader Is Going To Get A Beautiful New Manhattan Penthouse

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There’s even a heated pool on the roof! Not Olympic size, but still! It’ll be great for parties.

Reddit Will Now Be Covered In Ads For Reddit

Reddit Will Now Be Covered In Ads For Reddit

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In an effort to increase revenue and its user base, Reddit will be heavily promoted on Reddit in hopes of increasing traffic to Reddit.

r/EveryoneWhoInvestsInRedditIsAPedophile Will Be Taken Offline

r/EveryoneWhoInvestsInRedditIsAPedophile Will Be Taken Offline

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The popular subreddit will be shuttered without explanation, prompting much confusion.

Men’s Rights Activists And White Supremacists Will Be Totally Unaffected

Men’s Rights Activists And White Supremacists Will Be Totally Unaffected

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The Company Will Change Its Name To Meta

The Company Will Change Its Name To Meta

Image for article titled What Reddit Users Can Expect Now That The Company Is Public

It just sounds more business-y, you know?

Reddit Mascot Now Wearing Suit

Reddit Mascot Now Wearing Suit

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The Reddit mascot was not in compliance with newly instituted office dress codes and was threatened with immediate termination if it didn’t dress up for potential investors.

Threatening PMs From Brands

Threatening PMs From Brands

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Redditors can expect to see an uptick in death threats and sexual harassment in their personal message inboxes from advertisers like Amazon Prime, Verizon, and Cheez-Its.

Users’ Computers Will Be Confiscated

Users’ Computers Will Be Confiscated

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Sorry, every device used to type on Reddit now belongs to its shareholders.

The Only Sexual Content That Will Remain On The Site Is A Single Photo Of Alan Alda’s Bare Nipple

The Only Sexual Content That Will Remain On The Site Is A Single Photo Of Alan Alda’s Bare Nipple

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And the r/MASH subreddit could not be more thrilled.

It Will Now Cost $15 Per Month To Send Lewd Messages To Women

It Will Now Cost $15 Per Month To Send Lewd Messages To Women

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If you’d like to harass women on the new Reddit, you’ll have to pay a $15/month sexual predator fee.

No Longer Allowed To Cuss

No Longer Allowed To Cuss

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The banned words will range from traditional vulgarities like “fuck” and “bitch” to “idiot,” “hate,” “gay,” and “hump.”

Reddit CEO Will Personally Moderate All 2 Million Subreddits

Reddit CEO Will Personally Moderate All 2 Million Subreddits

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The only way to be sure that the community guidelines are followed is to have CEO Steve Huffman comb through each of the billions of comments on the millions of subreddits one by one.

They’ll Bring Back r/BeatingWomen

They’ll Bring Back r/BeatingWomen

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Hey, if it’s profitable, then it’s profitable.

The Devil Will Return And Destroy Everyone On Earth

The Devil Will Return And Destroy Everyone On Earth

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Once Reddit goes public, Satan will return on his horse and ensure that every living person on the face of the earth is vanquished and dragged down to hell for all eternity.

Users Will Have To Send In A Pube

Users Will Have To Send In A Pube

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In order to verify their identity and confirm they are over 18, users will have to mail a single pube to Reddit HQ.

An AI-Powered AMA With Mr. Peanut

An AI-Powered AMA With Mr. Peanut

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All users’ burning questions about Planters’ all-new rosemary and sea salt cashews can finally be answered.

Life Simply Won’t Be As Bright, As Colorful As It Once Was

Life Simply Won’t Be As Bright, As Colorful As It Once Was

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Suddenly, the fun and joy you originally felt while using a website that really felt it was made for people like you by people like you will be gone forever, only to become a distant memory.

It Will Still Be A Cesspool Of Perverts, Dorks, And Weirdos

It Will Still Be A Cesspool Of Perverts, Dorks, And Weirdos

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Regardless of whether the website is public or private, Reddit will forever be a terrible conglomeration of some of the worst people on the planet.

r/NoFap Will Be Worth More Than Your House

r/NoFap Will Be Worth More Than Your House

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The community page for people who refuse to masturbate will be worth more than the biggest investment you’ll make in your entire life.

Reddit Could Expand Beyond Its Current 5 Members

Reddit Could Expand Beyond Its Current 5 Members

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Should it go public, the fewer than a dozen members on the website might have to allow their small, intimate community to expand.

You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…



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