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SATIRE NEWS: Walmart Releases Wolves Into Stores To Manage Shoplifter Density

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BENTONVILLE AR—Confirming the wild animals had been captured and airlifted from forests in Oregon and Montana, Walmart announced it had released wolves into hundreds of it stores this week to help manage shoplifter density. “Although the issue of retail theft is complex, we believe it’s nothing that a few apex predators can’t handle,” said CEO Doug McMillion, who opened the first crate of the gray wolves in a ceremony at a local Walmart and watched in awe with a group of top shareholders as the majestic creatures bounded out of the carriers, through the aisles, and out of sight. “Each store will start out with only a handful of gray wolves, but our hope is that over the years, the packs will grow as the number of shoplifters shrinks. We are also optimistic this increase in security will help expedite checkout times as well as keep prices low for those brave enough to venture out to our stores.” At press time, police officers had reportedly arrived at the store to respond to calls that an organized mob of canids was robbing the meat department.



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