NORILSK, RUSSIA—In response to complaints of skyrocketing ticket prices caused by excessive fees, live-entertainment monolith Ticketmaster has opened a new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can labor to earn tickets for her forthcoming Eras Tour, sources within the music industry confirmed Friday. “Whenever I feel like killing myself to end my miserable existence in the Ticketmaster gulag, I escape in my mind to the moment when I’ll finally see Taylor, and that keeps me going,” said emaciated Taylor Swift fan Emma Harrigan, whose hands were bleeding as she began another day of indentured servitude in the hopes that, many years from now, her hard labor would be redeemable for a single ticket to one of the pop idol’s stadium shows. “Just 35,000 more hours toiling in the Ticketmaster mines, and I’ll be with Tay Tay. When that day comes, I will proudly sing along with ‘Anti-Hero’ and dedicate every word to the thousands of fallen Swifties who did not survive this godforsaken place—those who never earned the chance to stand 700 feet away from Taylor and listen to pre-recorded backing tracks of her greatest hits.” At press time, Harrigan had reportedly collapsed from exhaustion and, after asking for a drink of water, was screamed at by a Ticketmaster overseer who demanded she shake it off.
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