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SATIRE NEWS: The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Caitlin Clark

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Caitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in controversy during her WNBA debut for the Indiana Fever. The Onion interviewed Clark about her basketball career, her $21 million Nike deal, and what it’s like being one of the most hotly debated female athletes of the modern era.
The Onion: How much money do you make?
Caitlin Clark: $76,000 base, but I’m allowed to pick up extra shifts working the merch stand after the game.
The Onion: Do you think your teammates are standing up for you enough?
Clark: It’s not their responsibility to defend me, pass me the ball, score, or talk to me.
The Onion: Do you think trans women should be able to compete in women’s sports?
Clark: I can only be a lighting rod for so many issues.
The Onion: What are your goals off the court?
Clark: I’d like to be in an all-female version of Space Jam because I do not receive nearly enough death threats.
The Onion: How do you think you’ve changed the WNBA?
Clark: I increased the number of players by one.
The Onion: Do you think the media only cares about the WNBA because it has a straight, white female star?
Clark: If that were the case, they would have liked Madame Web.
The Onion: Could you please say something about Angel Reese that we could take out of context and use to generate clicks?
Clark: Angel Reese was a great college player.
The Onion: What are your hopes for your rookie season?
Clark: It’s a long shot, but I’m hoping to kill LeBron James.
The Onion: How come some baskets only count for two points, but other baskets count for three points?
Clark: Honestly, I have no idea.



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