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SATIRE NEWS: Swifties Respond To Taylor Swift Conspiracy Theories

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Conservative media figures recently began circulating conspiracy theories that Taylor Swift is part of a government-funded psyop to get President Joe Biden reelected. The Onion asked fans how they felt about the right-wing attacks, and this is what they said.

Chris Billings, Cold-Caller

Chris Billings, Cold-Caller

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“I’ve listened to every album backward, and she only says ‘Emperor Joe Biden’ three or four times.”

Gabby Layman, Programmer

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“The idea that Taylor could choose the president, if anything, underestimates her power.”

Lucas Oberdin, Pentagon Agent

Lucas Oberdin, Pentagon Agent

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“We wish. We don’t have the budget for Taylor Swift’s psyop booking fee.”

Hillary Downing, Office Manager

Hillary Downing, Office Manager

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“The idea that she holds enough sway to influence millions of Americans to act irrationally is ridiculous, and I’ll kill anyone responsible for propagating such a lie.”

Douglas Forte, Army Colonel

Douglas Forte, Army Colonel

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“Why would she bother picking the president when the armed forces have already secretly sworn fealty to her?”

Emily Hodges, Barista

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“Taylor also controls which NFL players get brain injuries on the field.”

Selena Gomez, Singer

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“It’s all so much and so stressful right now that I kind of feel bad for creating that deepfake porn of her.”

Rachel Dawson, Chef

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“I know she left instructions on how to respond to this somewhere in the Midnights liner notes. I just haven’t found them yet.”

Dan Stanfield, Professor

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“If Taylor actually wanted to pick the president, she’d just tweet out their name and we’d bribe, threaten, and kill until they were in office.”

Hannah Reinfeldt, Financial Advisor

Hannah Reinfeldt, Financial Advisor

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“C’mon, she was literally dating a Nazi less than a year ago.”

Chloe McPherson, Biology Teacher

Chloe McPherson, Biology Teacher

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“Tay is finally dating a nice guy who respects her. It’s obviously fake.”

Molly Connor, High School Student

Molly Connor, High School Student

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“All of her love songs are actually about her burning desire for Joe Biden.”

Sadie Li, Blogger

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“They’re probably still just upset that she didn’t marry Harry Styles.”

Kayleigh Pacheco, Nurse

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“The NFL is a pysop to promote the upcoming ‘Mrs. Kelce’ tour.”

Brian Shahar, Customer Service Representative

Brian Shahar, Customer Service Representative

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“The more times her name is spoken aloud, the more powerful she becomes. They are the authors of their own demise.”

Hannah Darby, Pet Groomer

Hannah Darby, Pet Groomer

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“This display of paranoid misogyny is sure to turn me against her.”

Megan Rafferty, Janitor

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“I mean, who isn’t secretly gay?”

You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…



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