DUBUQUE, IA—After a stunning report indicated some 528,000 jobs were added to the U.S. economy during July, the Labor Department confirmed Friday that unemployed local man Chris Gibson must be more of a loser than had been previously believed. “For months, we had assumed Chris was just a normal, out-of-work man who had fallen on hard times, but today’s evidence of widespread job growth underscores exactly what a worthless, pathetic sack of shit he is,” said Labor Secretary Marty Walsh, who added that unemployment had fallen to a historic, post-pandemic low of 3.5%, making it clearer than ever that Gibson was lazy, dumb, and had absolutely zero prospects for the future. “With robust job gains across almost every sector of the economy, we can only presume that Chris spends his entire day on the couch doing nothing but sleeping, eating, and watching TV. The truth of the matter is, Americans are getting hired every day, with higher salaries to boot. But not Chris. No, no, not Chris. He apparently has nothing to offer at all. God, what a fucking failure.” Walsh went on to state that should job growth continue and the nation stave off a recession, nothing would be a stronger indicator that Gibson deserves to be crushed by a lifetime of grinding poverty, eventually dying for lack of access to healthcare.
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