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CHICAGO—Deriding the man’s views on criminal rehabilitation as hopelessly idealistic, sources reported Tuesday that local prison abolitionist Aaron Eichinger must want rapists to just freely frolic in a field around a maypole. “According to your position, if someone commits violent sexual assault, then we let them put on a crown of garlands and sing tra-la-la while skipping around barefoot and carefree—is that correct?” said Doug McWhorter, responding to Eichinger’s argument that the U.S. prison system was a fundamentally corrupt venture designed to exploit the lower classes and perpetuate poverty. “That does seem to be what you’re saying: People found guilty of rape should be sentenced to gathering wildflowers, dancing a jig, and playing a merry tune upon a tin whistle. Because America’s practice of mass imprisonment on a scale never before seen in human history is the only alternative to letting rapists run free through the lush green meadows, drink sweet nectar, and enjoy the finest bounty of the land.” After reassuring Eichinger that everyone is entitled to their opinion, McWhorter added that his own view was that nothing should be done to stop the prison-industrial complex from eventually incarcerating every single resident of the United States.
