SAVANNAH, GA—Remarking upon his ability to proclaim the Gospel of the Lord without his pulse even rising, congregants at the local Church of the Divine Jesus told reporters Wednesday that their preacher, who was not drenched in perspiration, clearly had no direct connection to the Holy Spirit. “How am I supposed to believe God is working through Pastor Leon when there isn’t sweat pouring down his body?” said churchgoer Linda Hale, explaining that it was obvious the man wasn’t touched by the divine based on the fact that his button-down wasn’t sticking to his wet torso and he hadn’t rolled up his sleeves or even removed his jacket to shout “Hallelujah!” during his sermon. “This guy goes up there to the pulpit, gives a so-called testimony of his faith, and his eyes don’t roll back in his head or anything? If he wants to convince me we’re in the presence of the Lord, he needs to be on the floor of that sanctuary convulsing and in danger of swallowing his tongue.” At press time, a bead of sweat had finally appeared on the forehead of the preacher after he reportedly realized his calm meditation on God’s love had much of his congregation dozing off.
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