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SATIRE NEWS: Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature

SATIRE NEWS: Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature

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SAN FRANCISCO—In order to stay up-to-date with the latest abortion laws and restrictions, period tracker app Cycle announced Friday that it had added a new “surrender to authorities” feature. “Starting today, users who are several days late or fully miss periods can select their crime, call the police, and confess what they did immediately,” said CEO James Raffiel, adding that the app, which used both state and federal police databases, could predict within a few days exactly when women who had had an abortion, taken Plan B, or miscarried had violated the law. “Now women won’t have to wonder if they’re going to jail, they’ll be able to walk outside and already know that dozens of officers are surrounding their house, ready to arrest them for homicide. Plus, the app can read you your Miranda rights, estimate your sentence, and sometimes grant you leniency if you confess. This is the future!” At press time, Cycle had also announced that for an upgrade fee of $3.99 a month, women could choose the prison where they would be incarcerated.



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KNOWLEDGE is POWER / REAL NEWS is KEY
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eg. 2+2 is not 5 or 22 but 4 - There is not 57 different genders, only 2
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