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SATIRE NEWS: Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

SATIRE NEWS: Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

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Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.

Jaguars at Chiefs

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Jaguars: Expect Chiefs coach Andy Reid to have something special up his sleeve for this game. Unfortunately, that will just be a dozen hot dogs.

Offensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

Offensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

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Zay Jones: The Jags wide receiver has the field awareness needed to witness numerous Trevor Lawrence interceptions.

Defensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

Defensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

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Josh Allen: This could be a perfect opportunity for the pass rusher to pick up a loose quarterback on the ground and return it for a touchdown.

Offensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

Offensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

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Patrick Mahomes: Kansas City’s star QB is expected to have his best State Farm commercial yet.

Defensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

Defensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

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Chris Jones: Expect the massive defensive tackle to struggle to make it out of the Jaguars’ backfield.

Giants at Eagles

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Eagles: Jalen Hurts and the Eagles have what it takes to bring a small dollop of joy to Philadelphia citizens’ otherwise bleak, empty lives.

Offensive Player To Watch: Giants

Offensive Player To Watch: Giants

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Daniel Jones: The quarterback has a bright future with his next team.

Defensive Player To Watch: Giants

Defensive Player To Watch: Giants

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Dexter Lawrence: The Giants colossal nose tackle will rely on his flexibility and athleticism, which allow him to change direction at least once per game.

Offensive Player To Watch: Eagles

Offensive Player To Watch: Eagles

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Jason Kelce: The Eagles’ Pro Bowl center is reportedly practicing a knuckleball hike

Defensive Player To Watch: Eagles

Defensive Player To Watch: Eagles

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Ndamukong Suh: Though playing as a backup, the veteran Suh is hoping he still has a few more dirty plays left in him.

Bengals at Bills

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Bengals: After Week 17’s suspended matchup, Cincinnati will be eager to get revenge on Damar Hamlin.

Offensive Player To Watch: Bengals

Offensive Player To Watch: Bengals

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Joe Burrow: Pretty much just needs to go out there and not throw 20 picks to go down as the best quarterback in Bengals history.

Defensive Player To Watch: Bengals

Defensive Player To Watch: Bengals

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Eli Apple: The feisty cornerback will do whatever it takes to be dragged into the end zone while clinging to Josh Allen’s back.

Offensive Player to Watch: Bills

Offensive Player to Watch: Bills

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Stefon Diggs: Buffalo’s wideout has shown the ability to make seemingly impossible catches, rending the delicate fabric of our so-called “reality” and plunging NFL fans into a horrid abyss of unfathomable madness.

Defensive Player To Watch: Bills

Defensive Player To Watch: Bills

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Tremaine Edmunds: The middle linebacker is the heart and soul and lower intestine and trachea and stapes bone of the Bills defense.

Cowboys at 49ers

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49ers: San Francisco has better defenders, a more explosive offense, and it’s just really gratifying to see Jerry Jones absolutely fucking miserable.

Offensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

Offensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

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Dak Prescott: He has the kind of arm that can ruin the hopes and dreams of any Cowboys fan.

Defensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

Defensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

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Micah Parsons: Keep a close eye on the Dallas linebacker, who is a dual threat as a pass rusher and a player who can turn completely invisible for multiple quarters.

Offensive Player To Watch: 49ers

Offensive Player To Watch: 49ers

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Brock Purdy: Luckily for San Francisco, Brock Purdy has zero professional experience with losing and barely comprehends the concept of defeat.

Defensive Player To Watch: 49ers

Defensive Player To Watch: 49ers

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Nick Bosa: Expect Bosa to come out strong on every play in order to sack Dak Prescott before he has the chance to throw a pick.



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