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THE HEAVENS—Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He had no recollection of creating the universe. “Everyone tells Me I made light and darkness, sea and sky, but to be honest, I was blacked out for most of that millennium,” said the Lord Thy God, telling reporters that while He was happy so many people liked the universe, it was strange to be worshipped by billions of strangers for something He had no memory of doing. “I don’t really think of it as My creation, because to Me it feels like some other God did all that stuff. When people thank Me for things I created—horses, trees, or whatever—I just try to smile and nod and be polite. I was pretty into coke at the time, and some angels who were around Me back then say I was always dialed in and barking orders. I guess I must have been if I made all the birds and fish one day and made all the humans and beasts of the earth the next. It’s no wonder I passed out on the seventh day.” At press time God had reportedly relapsed after finding out He had a son He’d never spoken to.