SACRAMENTO, CA—Announcing emergency regulations amid one of the state’s driest years on record, the California Department of Water Resources implemented new restrictions Monday that limit all residents to one act of shower sex per week. “We understand how amazing shower sex feels and how much the hot water and steam enhance the sensation, but everyone needs to pitch in if we want to combat these extreme drought conditions,” said agency director Karla Nemeth, adding that copulation beneath running water would be restricted to five minutes, regardless of whether the participants had climaxed within that period, and that ideally such encounters should be limited to a standard two-minute hand job. “Please note that twice-a-week shower sex will be allowed between partners who register with the department and agree to only run the water during foreplay and to rinse off after, shutting it off to conserve resources while they engage in the act of intercourse itself. It is important that residents observe these new rules, as any violation thereof could result in California regulators bursting into the shower and separating a couple mid-coitus.” Nemeth went on to clarify that so long as the basin was filled with rainwater collected in buckets out in the backyard, unlimited bathtub sex would still be permitted.
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