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SATIRE NEWS: Musician’s Contract Requires Venue To Provide Validation Artist Never Got

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TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that both applause and audible cheering are mandatory, the artist rider in singer-songwriter Kyle Tatum’s contract stipulates that local venue the Vanguard must provide the musician with all the validation he never got, according to a copy of the agreement viewed Thursday. “In addition to a case of bottled water, a charcuterie plate, and a cooler fully stocked with Miller High Life, the venue must supply the constant recognition and affirmation the artist has sought his entire life but never seems to obtain enough of,” the contract read in part, noting that any failure to deliver a surrogate form of the approval Tatum yearned for but was denied as a child would constitute a breach of contract. “This unconditional acceptance includes but is not limited to: the feeling that the artist’s absent mother and father are proudly watching, the sense that a powerful music executive sees something special in his performance, and the presence of audience members who directly or indirectly indicate to the artist that they find him sexually attractive.” At press time, Tatum had reportedly sought legal action against the venue, citing deep-seated feelings of inadequacy before, during, and after his show.



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