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Image for article titled Losing All Of His Hair And Becoming Impotent Clear Sign From Man’s Body That He Should Stay In And Play More Video Games

SATIRE NEWS: Losing All Of His Hair And Becoming Impotent Clear Sign From Man’s Body That He Should Stay In And Play More Video Games

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MILWAUKEE—Noting that he needed to stop ignoring the messages his body was sending him, local man Rob Mandeville told reporters Monday that losing all of his hair and becoming impotent were clear signs that he should stay in and play more video games. “Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a more obvious signal than hair loss and trouble getting hard that it’s time to stay at home and boot up some more Dragon’s Dogma 2,” said the balding and sexually dysfunctional 38-year-old, explaining that he was determined to use his remaining vitality to fully explore his Xbox Game Pass subscription. “I just need to face the fact that I’m not getting any younger. Hell, I’m reminded every time I look in the mirror and see my hairline. It’s time to stop going out to bars and throwing away nights that could be spent earning the Precision Defense Focus Materia in Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. This is my biological imperative here. I don’t want to waste some of my best video-game-playing years.” At press time, Mandeville had added a recurring back problem to the list of ailments that suggested it was time that he seriously consider getting a Switch.



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