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SATIRE NEWS: Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The

SATIRE NEWS: Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

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Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.

Carmine Spagnola (Mason)

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“Not sure. I didn’t join the Proud Boys to think for myself.”

Kevin Grant (High School Math Teacher)

Kevin Grant (High School Math Teacher)

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“Video games and/or popular music and films made me do it.”

Thomas Peterson (Contractor)

Thomas Peterson (Contractor)

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“Those gallows weren’t going to build themselves.”

Roy Bloom (Nurse)

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“I lent Marco Rubio 45 bucks, and he’s been dodging me ever since.”

Ron Fields (Shipping Clerk)

Ron Fields (Shipping Clerk)

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“I forgot to vote, so I figured this was the least I could do.”

Kyle Mathis (Tourist)

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“I’m incredibly susceptible to peer pressure.”

Vincent Kohler (Deliveryman)

Vincent Kohler (Deliveryman)

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“I wanted to kill some lawmakers, and that’s where they all were.”

Charlene Adams (Mother)

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“There are hardly any public restrooms in our great nation’s capital, so you tell me where we were supposed to go for relief!”

Chuck Gruber (Car Dealership Owner)

Chuck Gruber (Car Dealership Owner)

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“What’s the point of having a bunch of cool guns and tactical gear if you never get to use it to overthrow the government?”

Erik Maniscalco (Roofer)

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“I honestly thought it was the capitol building of a different country.”

Isaiah Wilson (Financial Advisor)

Isaiah Wilson (Financial Advisor)

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“I wanted to impress girls on Bumble by taking sexy photos of myself interfering with democracy.”

Lisa Bennett (Yoga Instructor)

Lisa Bennett (Yoga Instructor)

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“It’s important to take yourself on little dates every now and then.”

Mark Ridley (Data Analyst)

Mark Ridley (Data Analyst)

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“For me, it was a classic case of body-swapping with my conservative neighbor who I could never relate to until I spent a day in his shoes. Unfortunately, that day was Jan. 6, and I woke up in his body as he was scaling down the wall of the Senate Chamber.”

Steve Ryan (Accountant)

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“Gotta storm something.”

Grant Brewer (Financial Advisor)

Grant Brewer (Financial Advisor)

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“All of the greatest heroes in American history violently interfered with democracy at some point.”

Harold Walker Jr. (Real Estate Developer)

Harold Walker Jr. (Real Estate Developer)

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“I needed more experience in domestic terrorism before the local hate group would even look at my résumé.”

Ken Quirk (Truck Driver)

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“Would you prefer my answer be ironic, or infuriatingly wrong?”

Sandy Costello (Spa Manager)

Sandy Costello (Spa Manager)

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“What matters now is that under the terms of my plea agreement, I am deeply filled with remorse.”



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