SATIRE NEWS: Instacart Valuation Crashes As Americans Realize They Can Do Some Things For Themselves

SAN FRANCISCO—With the grocery delivery company filing an IPO that suggested it was worth tens of billions of dollars less than it used to be, sources reported Monday that Instacart’s valuation had plummeted as more Americans realized they could do some things for themselves. “The 80% drop in value over the past couple years is the result of unfortunate market realities, specifically the fact that many U.S. residents now seem aware of their ability to get up and physically go to a store that sells food,” said Instacart spokesperson Howard Braenard, describing how consumers had begun to recognize that, as adults, they could perform a few of the basic tasks required for their own continued survival, an epiphany that quickly wiped out most of Instacart’s earning potential. “Our initial business plan didn’t account for people learning how to zip up their jackets and lace up their shoes to leave home, let alone use their own hands to pick up a food item and put it in a grocery cart. When Instacart was conceived, the assumption was that consumers spent the entire day on the toilet waiting for someone to deliver food to their homes, and maybe eventually directly into their mouths.” At press time, reports confirmed DoorDash’s stock price had skyrocketed after Americans returned home from the supermarket and decided they were now way too tired to prepare any of the food they had just purchased.