SATIRE NEWS: Highlights From Rudy Giuliani’s Apartment Listing

Sure to draw some screams of elitism, Rudy’s five-figure apartment costs more than many Americans earn in a year.

He’s roughly 40% Northern European, 30% Southern European, 20% Sardinian, and 10% Iberian. Wow!

One window of Giuliani’s former residence shows a perpetual shot of the Twin Towers crumbling down on that fateful day.

Much like a fine white wine, Giuliani keeps his adrenochrome stored at exactly 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

Prospective buyers are in luck, because the grandiose apartment formerly owned by America’s mayor comes with plenty of walls, stretching from the floor all the way to the ceiling.

The incredible Upper East Side apartment comes with the same overturned milk crate and card table the once-formidable attorney used as a chair and desk for his law practice for over 50 years.

Keeping these nude guys on all fours is 100% built into the price, but you’ll need to factor in the exorbitant cost of sawdust for them to eat, relieve themselves on, and rustle around in during their daily union-mandated 40-minute breaks.

At an asking price of $6.5 million, it’s no surprise any unhoused or even working-class people who make it into the apartment building are swiftly eliminated.

Every day for the past 30 years, America’s mayor has grown and lost up to six teeth, which have completely filled one of the guest bedrooms, 19 armoires, and a linen closet, and which Giuliani refuses to move.

One of the real amenities is the transferred ownership in the lease of 63-year-old Polish super Gerik, who is available for repairs or if you need someone to eat leftover rotisserie chicken.

Giuliani had the bidet custom-made and installed next to his toilet so he could clean the folds of his often-swollen cloaca.

Great for burning boxes of classified information.

A beautifully upholstered room for reading up on the insider deals between Osama bin Laden and Giuliani to bring the West crashing down.

There he is. There’s the little rascal.

Just sopping wet, ceiling to floor. It’s not even clear how the wet got up that high, but it was arguably wetter the farther up you went.

Famous for marrying a cousin himself, Giuliani is willing to knock 10% off the sale price for anyone who can prove they are committing marital incest.

Despite several complaints lodged by his neighbors, Rudy Giuliani would regularly stick his penis through a hole in the wall.

God, they don’t make them like that anymore.

Embroidered in baby-blue thread alongside a stitched flaming pile of World Trade Center rubble, this kitschy decoration sure makes this kitchen feel like home.

They have clearly been nesting there for a while, judging by the pile of guano.

Ejaculated in 1906, this splotch will soon belong to a lucky new owner.

Giuliani seems to have been harvesting the tumors, for reasons still unknown at this time.

Uncle Rudy is always excited to help children get clean.

His eyes never stay the same color, but you can always tell they are his.