CHICAGO—Repeatedly mumbling “Don’t worry” and “I got this” to every person within earshot, local man Jacob Winston reportedly would not stop assuring everyone in line for the port-a-potty Friday that he pissed quick. “I’ll be so fast, I swear,” said the 29-year-old music festival attendee, who turned around multiple times to notify the group of strangers waiting behind him that he would “not let them down” and would “be out just like that.” “When I say I pee fast, I’m talking lightning fast. In, out, we’re talking 10 seconds, tops. My word is good, okay? Trust me. I’ll be like, boom. You won’t even know I was gone. You can pull out your phone and time me. ” At press time, sources confirmed the man had been in the portable restroom for six minutes and counting.
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