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SATIRE NEWS: Everything We Learned From Oprah’s Weight Loss Special

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Oprah Winfrey’s new special Shame, Blame And The Weight Loss Revolution explores the effects GLP-1 drugs such as Ozempic might have on the obesity epidemic and recounts the talk show host’s own weight loss journey. Here’s a rundown of everything we learned from the special.

Oprah Put The Weight Watchers CEO’s Head On A Pike

Oprah Put The Weight Watchers CEO’s Head On A Pike

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Hundreds of audience members audibly gasped when a screaming Winfrey held up the bloodied, decapitated head of the Weight Watchers CEO and put it on a sharp metal pike on stage.

Oprah Drove A Bulldozer Over A Plus-Size Mannequin

Oprah Drove A Bulldozer Over A Plus-Size Mannequin

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In a symbolic gesture, Oprah revved the engine of a 30,000-pound bulldozer and crushed the hollow plastic body of a size-16 mannequin.

Oprah Announced The Wegovy Box Had Been Added To Her Book Club

Oprah Announced The Wegovy Box Had Been Added To Her Book Club

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She called the four-pack of injectable pens one of the best pieces of literature published in the past century and encouraged women everywhere to give it a read.

She Pretended To Take A Nap Every Time She Had To Mention Side Effects

She Pretended To Take A Nap Every Time She Had To Mention Side Effects

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Winfrey quickly lay down on a couch and began to audibly snore every time she was prompted to discuss the weight loss drugs’ side effects.

Oprah Has Been Releasing Semaglutide Into The Nation’s Water Supply

Oprah Has Been Releasing Semaglutide Into The Nation’s Water Supply

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A cackling Winfrey announced that soon, everyone in America would be skinny, as she’d released several hundred tons of weight loss hormones into the nation’s drinking water.

There Was A Point Where Everyone Threw Rotten Fruit At A Fat Person

There Was A Point Where Everyone Threw Rotten Fruit At A Fat Person

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Winfrey and audience members pointed and laughed for almost half an hour while throwing rotten fruit at a sobbing overweight woman.

Oprah Revealed That She Was Aiming To Be Weightless

Oprah Revealed That She Was Aiming To Be Weightless

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Winfrey admitted that at the end of her journey, she hoped to be nothing but a weightless spirit floating through the ether with no bodily form to tether her to the physical realm.

There Are No Down Sides To Ozempic

There Are No Down Sides To Ozempic

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Even the exorbitant cost is a blessing.

Oprah’s Fixation On Weight Is Totally Healthy

Oprah’s Fixation On Weight Is Totally Healthy

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It will only become a problem if it continues into her 100s.

Oprah And Stedman Can Both Fit Into One Pair Of Pants

Oprah And Stedman Can Both Fit Into One Pair Of Pants

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Imagine the money they’ll save now that they only need one pant-leg a piece.

Oprah Still Can’t Fit Through A Doggy Door

Oprah Still Can’t Fit Through A Doggy Door

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They really should have edited out the 37 minutes where she was stuck halfway.

Oprah Looks Amazing In Powder Blue

Oprah Looks Amazing In Powder Blue

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We honestly couldn’t focus on anything else.

It’s Available To Stream On Hulu, But So Is ‘The Masked Singer’

It’s Available To Stream On Hulu, But So Is ‘The Masked Singer’

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We have got to find out who was wearing that spaghetti and meatballs costume.

Oprah Lost Weight Using Shapeshifting Powers

Oprah Lost Weight Using Shapeshifting Powers

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Oprah revealed that with the help of medication, she is now able to shrink down to the size of a thumbtack or inflate to the size of a school bus at will and in mere seconds using only her mind.

Most Weight Loss Drugs Are In Short Supply

Most Weight Loss Drugs Are In Short Supply

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It doesn’t help that Oprah gave a free case of Mounjaro to everyone in the audience.

Oprah Revealed The Reason She Left The Weight Watchers Board

Oprah Revealed The Reason She Left The Weight Watchers Board

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She tried one of those Weight Watchers–branded brownies, and it tasted like shit.

She Believes Obesity Is A Disease That Was Created In A Wuhan Lab

She Believes Obesity Is A Disease That Was Created In A Wuhan Lab

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The so-called lab leak theory of obesity has been widely discredited, however, as evidence suggests obesity began in a Wuhan wet market.

She Was Frank About How Easy It Was To Abandon The Body Positivity Movement

She Was Frank About How Easy It Was To Abandon The Body Positivity Movement

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Winfrey was extremely candid about how easy, painless, and even satisfying it was to abandon the acceptance movement she’d pioneered for much of her career.

Oprah Has Been Trying To Lose Weight Since She Was An Embryo

Oprah Has Been Trying To Lose Weight Since She Was An Embryo

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In an emotional appeal, the talk show host revealed she’d been struggling with obesity ever since she was just a clump of cells in her mother’s womb.

Many People With Obesity Feel Shame Because Oprah Ridicules Them Constantly

Many People With Obesity Feel Shame Because Oprah Ridicules Them Constantly

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Despite having her own struggles with weight, Winfrey repeatedly yells “Wide load coming through!” at anyone who wears above a size 14.

Anti-Obesity Drugs Have Side Effects

Anti-Obesity Drugs Have Side Effects

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Notably, all the fat you lose in your body travels up to your head, causing it to keep engorging until your giant head bursts and sprays human fat everywhere.

Weight Watchers Doesn’t Pay Enough

Weight Watchers Doesn’t Pay Enough

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It takes a lot more money to keep Oprah on a boring points system now that there’s a shiny new miracle drug on the scene.



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