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SATIRE NEWS: Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where

SATIRE NEWS: Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where It’s Going

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Queen Elizabeth II, who died this month at the age of 96, had very deep silk pockets. The Onion examines the matriarch’s will and who in the British royal family shall inherit all of her expensive shit.

Photos Of Queen As Young Girl

Photos Of Queen As Young Girl

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For Prince Andrew’s private use.

Buckingham Palace

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Buckingham Palace will actually be repossessed by the Bank of England after it was discovered that the queen failed to make mortgage payments for 70 years.

10,000 Pounds

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Her will stipulates that a carriage carrying 10,000 pounds sterling will be paraded through the poorest neighborhoods in the U.K.’s most destitute cities before being loaded with weights and pushed into the ocean.

Nothing

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Her Majesty the Queen specifically listed this as what is to be bequeathed to Meghan Markle.

Prince Andrew’s Sexual Abuse Allegations

Prince Andrew’s Sexual Abuse Allegations

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In a final posthumous gambit to protect her son from pedophilia accusations, Queen Elizabeth’s will explained how all allegations should be transferred to Harry and Meghan’s firstborn, Archie.

British Citizens

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The people of the United Kingdom will move to Spain after being inherited by the queen’s third cousin once removed King Felipe VI.

The Queen’s Twin Who Was Farmed For Her Organs

The Queen’s Twin Who Was Farmed For Her Organs

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Shot on sight and body burned in order to leave no evidence of her existence.

Hat Collection

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The queen’s three hats are being given to her grandchildren.

Half-Finished Carton Of Lucky Strikes

Half-Finished Carton Of Lucky Strikes

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Bequeathed to Prince Harry so he can carry on the family’s cigarette tradition.

The Royal Vibrator

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This item is listed to be passed down to the next female member of the royal family in line for the crown, but unfortunately perished alongside Princess Diana.

Diana’s Skull

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Once set at the queen’s bedside, the skull of Diana, Princess of Wales, will be handed over to Charles.

35,000 Copies Of ‘The Daily Telegraph’

35,000 Copies Of ‘The Daily Telegraph’

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A notorious hoarder, Queen Elizabeth saved a copy of The Daily Telegraph every single day of her life and stated in her will that all 35,000 copies would go to Prince William.

Queen Elizabeth’s Beach Crown

Queen Elizabeth’s Beach Crown

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This golden umbrella-shaped crown, perfect for keeping harmful rays out of Her Majesty’s eyes while she had fun in the sun, will be listed on Facebook Marketplace.

Swimming Pool Of Commoner Blood

Swimming Pool Of Commoner Blood

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The Olympic-sized swimming pool refilled with commoner blood twice a day will be left along with the rest of Buckingham Palace to the newly crowned King Charles III.

The Pluffy Nonce

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The queen’s mysterious, wily half-jester half-concubine of indeterminate age will be sent to Prince William’s estate in Cornwall.

Collection Of Henry VIII Wife Heads

Collection Of Henry VIII Wife Heads

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This rare and priceless collection of all six of the Tudor monarch’s wife heads will be left to the queen’s grandson George.

The Pig Sexually Defiled By David Cameron

The Pig Sexually Defiled By David Cameron

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Along with the queen’s other singular items of historical importance, the pig that former U.K. prime minister David Cameron inserted his testicles into while at university will be donated to the British Museum.

The United States

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Still under the impression that it belonged to England, the queen bequeathed the United States to Prince George, technically making the 9-year-old our king.

Prince Philip’s Frozen Semen

Prince Philip’s Frozen Semen

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Elizabeth’s will states that she shall bequeath over 10 gallons of her late husband’s seed to Princess Beatrice of York for all future inbreeding needs.

Nazi Memorabilia

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The queen has left her vast collection of Nazi memorabilia to Prince George so he may continue the family tradition.



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