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SATIRE NEWS: Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were

SATIRE NEWS: Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

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Image for article titled Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

In a display of his visionary management style, Elon Musk sent out his rules for “insane productivity” to all Twitter employees. The Onion examines each of the edicts and how they’ll help improve the social media’s site’s efficiency and output.

Isolate Yourself From Friends And Family

Isolate Yourself From Friends And Family

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Musk reminded all Twitter employees that no one will ever love them like he does.

When Possible, Plagiarize Everything

When Possible, Plagiarize Everything

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Yes, Elon has found great success by stealing other people’s ideas, but he also expects his employees to do the same, and requires every line of code they write to be plagiarized from another individual, company, or platform.

Give Him Your Blood

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You heard him. Give it. Now.

Set All Thermostats To -40º C

Set All Thermostats To -40º C

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Besides saving money, this will prepare workers for the eventual Mars Twitter HQ.

Print Out Your Best Code

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Manually printing lines of text you’ve already input into a computer screen always saves time, energy, and resources.

Eat Lunch On A Private Jet And Call It ‘Work’ A Minimum Of 5 Times Per Day

Eat Lunch On A Private Jet And Call It ‘Work’ A Minimum Of 5 Times Per Day

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This kind of work particularly amazes journalists.

Close All Your Holes

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Don’t let anything in or out—it will only slow you down.

Eat 1 Big Hamburger Instead Of 3 Smaller Ones

Eat 1 Big Hamburger Instead Of 3 Smaller Ones

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Worse for digestion, but this way employees will spend less time on their hamburger breaks.

Do Not Use ‘Chain Of Command’ To Communicate

Do Not Use ‘Chain Of Command’ To Communicate

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Twitter workers are to communicate all problems to Elon Musk directly, as there are no bosses or managers left at the company.

Amphetamines

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Gotta do ’em.

Desks Are Meant To Be Urinated Under

Desks Are Meant To Be Urinated Under

Image for article titled Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees

Elon Musk has not used a toilet since starting his first company, Zip2, in 1995, which is why he explicitly forbids Twitter, SpaceX, and Tesla employees from urinating or defecating anywhere but below their desks.

Never, Ever Look The Man Pleasuring Himself In The Eye During Meetings

Never, Ever Look The Man Pleasuring Himself In The Eye During Meetings

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Elon considers most meetings to be a waste of time, but he especially hates it when employees make eye contact with the fully nude man standing in the corner and pleasuring himself during every code review at Twitter HQ.

Extreme To-Do List

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Cross out finished tasks as they’re completed with a really sharp pen.

Always Answer Correspondence With Mr. Musk With ‘I Love You’

Always Answer Correspondence With Mr. Musk With ‘I Love You’

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The only way to propel the new hardcore Twitter into the future is to ensure that Elon feels loved at all times.

Hang Your Visa On The Wall To Remember Why You’re Really Here

Hang Your Visa On The Wall To Remember Why You’re Really Here

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Might as well buckle down since you’re stuck here forever.

A Little MDMA Couldn’t Hurt

A Little MDMA Couldn’t Hurt

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Eh, give it a shot.

Remove Eyelids

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Employees are required to have their eyelids surgically removed, as blinking wastes precious microseconds that could be spent focusing on coding.

Have Fun With It!

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Violations are punishable by termination without severance.

Any Slip-Up At All And Elon Musk Will Personally Go To Your House And Sleep With Your Wife

Any Slip-Up At All And Elon Musk Will Personally Go To Your House And Sleep With Your Wife

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Elon Musk loves to remind his employees that he has your wife’s number, has already been sending her explicit messages, and can steal her from you anytime he wants.

No Clothes

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Worrying about fashion is nothing more than a distraction from the prosperity of Twitter.

10-Second Shits

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Preferably without leaving your seat or, if you’re talking during a meeting, even pausing.

No Meals

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Sustenance isn’t exactly “hardcore.”



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