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SATIRE NEWS: Dozens Dead In Least Of America’s Problems Right Now

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NEW YORK—As extreme heat continued to batter states across much of the Midwest and East Coast, authorities warned Friday that dozens of Americans had died in what’s really the least of the nation’s problems right now. “We’ve seen numerous elderly citizens expire in what is, ultimately, a pretty minuscule part of the overall trouble this country faces,” said climatologist Todd Jeffries, going on to describe the hundreds of related hospitalizations as ranking 97th on a list of issues facing the United States, behind a disappointing slate of summer movies, the year’s cicada swarms, the lack of a cure for male pattern baldness, Justin Timberlake’s DWI, concerns that the 2024 Summer Olympics might not live up to expectations, the TikTok ban, the closure of Red Lobster, and divorce rumors about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. “Look, I’m a researcher in this field, and even I’ve got to admit the heightened fire risks and unusual number of record-breaking temperatures are just a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things. Simply put, most Americans have more pressing things to think about than this bullshit.” Authorities added that while the dozens dead might be related to a larger problem, they were really more concerned with bigger headaches, like getting their AC unit fixed.



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