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Image for article titled Cicada Emergence Results In Increase In Odd Kids Filling Satchels With Molted Shells While Mumbling

SATIRE NEWS: Cicada Emergence Results In Increase In Odd Kids Filling Satchels With Molted Shells While Mumbling

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WASHINGTON—With trillions of periodical cicadas returning after years underground, the U.S. Forest Service confirmed Friday that the emergence of two broods this spring had led to a significant uptick in odd little children filling satchels with the insects’ molted shells while mumbling under their breath. “This is the first time these 13- and 17-year cicadas have emerged simultaneously since 1803, and the result has been a nearly tenfold increase in pale, peculiar kids collecting the exoskeletons and placing them in a burlap sack, often while talking to the chitinous remains as if they were a person,” a press release from the service read in part, adding that Americans should avoid disturbing the “little weirdos” if they encounter one passing through their yard or while on a hike through the woods. “We know that when it comes to eccentric third-graders with spittle gathering in the corners of their mouths, the constant patter of ‘Are you my friend?’ and ‘Well, you’re coming with me, Mr. Crunchy’ can create an overwhelmingly sad cacophony. But the pasty skin of these children can only be exposed to the sun for an hour or two at a time, so it’s never long before they take the shells they have scraped from tree trunks and the sides of houses and return home to place them in a shoe box under their bed.” The press release went on to note that the odd children would return after the next rainstorm to gather worms from the sidewalk, cut them in half, and see if they survive to become two new worms.



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