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SATIRE NEWS: Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For

SATIRE NEWS: Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church Leader

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HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we promise your person is out there waiting for you,” said 37-year-old Rebecca Bell, who stressed that sex was a gift from God strictly reserved as an act between a young child and whatever church leader got there first. “It’s important you stay pure for that special someone, and if he really cares about you, he’ll wait until he’s in the right position of power to exploit you. We understand you may be tempted, but sex is something you won’t be prepared for until you’re much older, like 14 or 15. If you have any questions, you can always turn to the Bible.” At press time, Bell added that the child’s first time would be something she would remember forever.



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