CONCORD, NH—Concluding that more drinks must equal more fun, local blackout drunk man Kyle Baits told his fellow patrons at Tandy’s Pub on Friday that consuming more alcohol could only make him feel even better. “It stands to reason that if alcohol has made me feel this good already, then continuing to drink should allow me to experience greater feelings still,” said Baits, wiping his mouth on a shirt covered in mixed-drink spills and stumbling over to the bar to order another round. “Now, it may be possible that I’ve reached a point of diminishing returns whereby a few Jäeger bombs on top of all that blended scotch may not make me feel noticeably better. But it certainly won’t make me feel any worse. I’m already having the best night of my life, after all, and some tequila shots or this thing called an Irish trash can could make it even better. My future self will thank me.” After he had been sent home in a cab, a reportedly validated Baits was found urinating on his open laptop and repeatedly pressing the return key in an attempt to make it flush.
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