CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You fuckers have been on this planet for 750 million years, and you want me to believe there’s nothing in that little nucleus of yours about how life originated?” said lead researcher and microbiologist Hammond Paulisack, who operated the lab in which the amoeba was placed in stress positions by chaining its pseudopods behind its cell membrane and was force-fed with a micropipette that pumped algae down its food vacuole. “Was it an asteroid? Huh? Or was it God? Look, buddy, we can do this the easy way or we can do it by plasma-boarding. Your choice.” After refusing to say life was anything more than the byproduct of a chemical accident that produced self-replicating proteins, the amoeba was reportedly locked alone in a darkened petri dish with the same Marilyn Manson song playing on repeat.
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