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SATIRE NEWS: Beyoncé: A Career Timeline

SATIRE NEWS: Beyoncé: A Career Timeline

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Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.

1981: Born helpless and frightened like all of us.

1993: Her group Girl’s Tyme loses Star Search, sparking her lifelong blood feud with Ed McMahon.

2001: Enrolls in second-wave feminism and marketing courses at local community college.

2002: Featured by Jay-Z in “03 Bonnie And Clyde,” which contains parallels hinting that the two have begun a string of violent bank robberies.

2006: Displays acting chops in Dreamgirls in a challenging role as Beyoncé but in the ’60s.

2008: Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s wedding vows include emotional passage stipulating financial details of future contractual collaborative albums.

2008: Debuts new alter ego, Sasha Fierce, officially retiring her previous alter ego, Mean Jean the Music Machine.

2009: Her people have forced The Onion to sign an airtight NDA to never share any details of what she did during this year.

2013: Barack Obama takes presidential oath of office as opening act for her performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

2016: Releases multimedia experience Lemonade consisting of an album, a film, and an immersive nightmare seeded in people’s dreams through an ambitious public water poisoning campaign.

2022: Announces she’s stepping away from her longtime husband and children to pursue a new life as a solo family.



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