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SATIRE NEWS: Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access

SATIRE NEWS: Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access To Burn Pits

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WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill Friday that would rapidly expand veterans’ access to burn pits. “We’ve heard your concerns, and we want to assure you the GOP is fighting hard to ensure the nation’s brave veterans are breathing the toxins they deserve,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who explained that the PITS Act, sponsored by himself along with Senators Pat Toomey (R-PA) and Joni Ernst (R-IA) in response to the backlash they received for their failure to back the prior bill, would ensure that a 10-acre burn pit was on-site at every Veterans Affairs center in the country. “The Republican Party would never turn their backs on the brave men and women who served this country, which is why we’ll hopefully be rolling out burnpits.gov very, very soon. There is nothing more important than providing vets with asthma and COPD. We’d also like to build at-home burn pits for veterans who need rare cancer but have limited mobility.” At press time, Republicans had proposed an amendment that would put the veterans themselves directly in the pits.



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