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Across the country, millions of K-12 students and their families are loading up their shopping carts as they prepare for the start of another school year. The Onion takes a look at the statistics behind back-to-school shopping.
64: Minimum number of different colored crayons required for child not to be considered poor
46%: Portion of Elmer’s glue bottle applied directly to hands
3: Scissors? Per kid? Are you fucking kidding me?
2: The only type of pencil with which it is possible to learn
3: Seemingly innocuous T-shirts that will lead to a decade of bullying
12,000: Mom-and-pop backpackeries closed in the last five years
50: Milligram Vyvanse prescription just to pull a C+ average
18: Important handouts already lost
$220: Average cost of a medical bill for removal of eraser child stuck up own nose
1: Pair of perfectly good Crocs you already have at at home, young man