SATIRE NEWS: Athletes Respond To LeBron James’ Rumored Retirement

“No one could outjump LeBron. I once saw him jump straight through the roof of a house, then he kept going, he went up about 100 feet and crashed into a bird. The bird plummeted to the earth. When LeBron saw what he’d done, he quickly reversed course, and willed himself to fall faster than the bird. By the time the bird was about to land, LeBron was already there, and he caught the bird softly in his palm. As the bird landed, it died, but as it died it laid an egg into LeBron’s palm. LeBron sat on that egg until it hatched, and he raised that bird—it was a cardinal—as one of his own children. A class act and fierce competitor.”