SATIRE NEWS: Americans Reveal Where They Get Unbiased Information About Israel, Palestine

“DeuxMoi is pretty reliable.”

“In order to avoid bias, I’ve never spoken to an Israeli or a Palestinian, and I also strictly avoid reading the news. Then I just go with whatever my fevered imagination devises.”

“I put my ear up to a seashell and believe whatever comes out.”

“I usually get my information straight from the U.S. government, which famously never lies.”

“The New York Times has always given me fair and balanced reporting on Israel and the demonic bloodthirsty Palestinian children.”

“During prayer, God gives me an unbiased, objective perspective on things, which is that the Holy Land has always been created for me and my family, and that it is time that I take it for myself.”

“As on all issues, I just unquestioningly believe anything my uncle tells me at Thanksgiving. The man owns a Papa John’s, for God’s sake.”

“Why the fuck would I want unbiased information?”

“Usually, I just aim to get cornered by a very angry person at a party, let them vent at me for 15 minutes, and then go with whatever they tell me.”

“All the secrets of the universe are revealed to me through the nasal cavities of my patients.”

“From this amazing website called OliversUnbiasedInformation.com.”

“Strangely enough, every cake that I bake comes with a crumpled up ball of paper in its center. On that paper is an unvarnished description of exactly what’s happening on the ground in Gaza.”

“I sleep on the grave of Barbara Walters in the hopes that she’ll someday chime in.”

“My local militia has been very good at educating its foot soldiers about the dangers of all Middle Easterners, be they Israeli, Palestinian, or otherwise.”

“I read between the lines on those American billboards advertising local hair loss clinics.”

“I get it from the angry one-star Yelp reviews of the Palestinian restaurant by my house.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You’re not going to believe this, but I discovered a portal that lets me inhabit the mind of Benjamin Netanyahu.”

“I listen to biased news sources on opposite extremes of the controversy, and then I just put ‘but also’ in between to even them out.”

“Like with everything, I sorta just go off vibes.”

“All the answers you seek are bestowed upon us by bountiful nature. In the summer breeze. A wisp of movement through the changing autumn leaves. A glorious sunset. The mighty glow of a majestic river. Sean Hannity.”

“My mom. She would never lie to me.”

“There’s no such thing as unbiased news, but former Bachelor contestants’ Instagram stories come pretty close.”

“San Diego Zoo condor cam.”

“I severed my brain in half and made the left side pro-Israel and the right side pro-Palestine. That way, whenever I read anything, the two sides fight.”

“Sorry, can’t talk—late for my second job.”

“I was getting news from my relatives trapped in Palestine, but then I realized they were disgustingly biased, so I opted for The New York Times.”

“I’ve always stood by the old journalistic adage that the more money a reporter makes, the more likely it is they’re telling the truth.”

“The ol’ waterin’ hole—a fixture of this here community where neighbors can share their opinions and, hell, maybe even a drink or two.”

“I have been so poorly educated by the American education system that I thankfully don’t even know what ‘unbiased’ means.”