SATIRE NEWS: 2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Owner Jerry Jones is one year closer to the grave.

Linebacker Micah Parsons rarely leaves sacks for anyone else.

Cowboys star Dak Prescott’s play could be affected by the front office’s decision to send him a note saying “You have no future here,” written in blood.

Dak Prescott throws three interceptions in week one just to piss off local Cowboys fan Bill Myers, because he hates him with a passion and is being bad on purpose to spite him, just as Bill suspects.

Head coach Brian Daboll helped develop Bills superstar Josh Allen, which is a skill that could come in handy if the Giants ever acquire a quarterback with any potential.

Although the secondary looks subpar overall, they do display excellent burst while heading back to the sideline after giving up a touchdown.

Running back Saquon Barkley leads all active NFL players with 5.8 injuries per carry.

Following a 1-5 start, New York Mayor Eric Adams declares the Giants cursed and holds an exorcism at MetLife Stadium.

Fielding the deepest roster in the NFC with all-stars on both sides of the ball could be a key advantage against other football teams.

Sometimes the defensive linemen get kind of bored during sacks.

The gigantic one about to crush the quarterback.

Another Super Bowl–contending season for the Eagles should end any debate over whether God, karma, or any kind of balancing spiritual force exists in the world.

Not having to see Dan Snyder’s fucking face every day.

Owner Dan Snyder selling the team robbed them of their toxic, scandal-ridden identity.

The Commanders’ plans for playoff success could run into trouble when they have to play actual football games against other teams.

Dan Snyder continues making so much more fucking money than any of us ever will.

The team has done an excellent job of trading away expensive veteran contracts that could potentially cost the Cardinals valuable losses.

Tiny fun quarterback broke.

Caleb Williams, the USC quarterback, is must-see for Cardinals fans hoping to understand why Arizona is trying so hard to lose.

A 2-14 season leaves the Cardinals with the top pick in the 2024 draft, and they fuck that up too.

The Rams apparently believe in themselves enough not to do anything in the offseason to address the holes in their roster.

Many on the Rams rapidly aging roster could be tempted to retire by the allure of upcoming Social Security payouts.

Quarterback Matthew Stafford’s brain has 3.8 games left until CTE fully kicks in.

The Rams repeat as 5-12 champs.

Job security for management.

Job security for quarterbacks.

A number of San Francisco residents have complained that the presence of 49ers players making less than $5 million is hurting local property values.

Trey Lance and Jimmy Garoppolo have career years.

Geno Smith is out to prove that the entirety of his career up until last season was no fluke.

The Seahawks were one of the worst teams in the league in jogging back to the locker room at halftime.

They have too many wide receivers.

The Seahawks get distracted after seeing Mount Rainier looking majestic during a game.

The Bears have provided Justin Fields with enough weapons that he should be able to lead the team to a couple more victories and prevent the franchise from drafting an elite quarterback.

The defense could struggle to top how abysmal they were last year.

Quarterback Justin Fields will lead the league in yards carted.

You know, Chicago has a lot to be proud of as a city—tons of great food, amazing architecture, nice museums and parks—so you don’t really need to dwell on this too much.

They have 53 players and an entire coaching staff who understand the rules and basic strategies of football.

Unfortunately for the Lions, scoring tons of points still results in losses if you let the opposing team score even more.

You know this isn’t the real Jared Goff, guys. Deep down you know it.

A triumphant return to the playoffs will launch the franchise into their classic year or two of hope before becoming the Lions again.

The roster is filled with fast, athletic players who are too young to fully comprehend the concept of winning and losing.

It may take time for new starting quarterback Jordan Love to fully develop the batshit ideas and combative demeanor of Aaron Rodgers.

See also

Satire News

·09/10/2023·0

SATIRE NEWS: Aide Pulls Several Wet Pages Of Bill Out Of Dianne Feinstein’s Mouth

The Packers are the only NFL franchise owned by The Onion.

Years of aimless strategy and bickering still won’t be enough to take down this team while it shares a division with the Bears and Lions.

The Vikings have a roster and coaching staff that could really go deep into the playoffs if the NFL suddenly banned good teams.

The Vikings’ winning strategy of being a mostly bad team that relies on the hand of fate for random victories may not be a formula for long-term success.

The war in Ukraine has shut down profitable amber trade routes along the Dnieper River.

Justin Jefferson and Kirk Cousins combine to rack up the most meaningless yards and touchdowns in NFL history.

Punter Bradley Pinion leads the Falcons’ strong punt-first approach.

As a run-oriented team attempting to build a strong defense, the Falcons are vulnerable to teams playing after the year 2004.

Atlanta will play all its home games at Georgia Tech until their stadium in Cop City is finished.

The Falcons have the feel of a team that by the end of 2023-2024 season will be out of the NFL, living on a houseboat, and doing odd jobs for cash.

The Panthers have displayed a great amount of creativity while listing Bryce Young at 5’10”.

Not a single resident of Carolina has been able to figure out where this team actually plays.

Rookie QB Bryce Young will be expected to manage a complex offense right out of college despite receiving an Alabama education.

The Panthers could surprise the league with a playoff run, or not, that’s just how this stuff goes.

Quarterback Derek Carr possesses the arm strength and throwing mechanics to put the ball 5 to 10 feet in front of the receiver on any part of the field.

Weakling running back Alvin Kamara apparently needs eight entire punches to knock a guy out.

Why, it’s the most annoying fan base in pro sports!

The Saints struggle after most of their defense drowns in a hurricane.

Talented offensive tackle Tristan Wirfs will give quarterback Baker Mayfield all the time in the world to throw the ball into the stands.

Todd Bowles’ steady hand is praised enough for everyone to know he’s a lame-duck head coach.

The Bucs clinch the NFC South without winning a single game.