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Tom’s still a stand-up guy
Tom Arnold. Starred on TV’s once famous “Roseanne.” Was even Roseanne Barr’s real husband for a minute. Also married and divorced four times. Now on a tour peddling jokes, stories, himself. When I asked, “You rich?” He said: “My kids are 12 and 9. Four divorces. How rich could I still be?
“I’m from southeast farm town Ottumwa, Iowa. Worked three years on the kill floor of a meat-packing plant to save for school because my single dad wouldn’t give me money. There everyone works in some factory. All look the same.
“University of Iowa not the classiest, but I learned about a stage. I only heard dad laugh when he watched a Bob Hope special. In Hollywood my first thing was to have Bob Hope sign everything for my dad.
“Then Roseanne, John Goodman, Oprah and I lost 100 pounds each. Great. When that started being not so good for all of us — dang! — we stopped. But I didn’t stop going back to crappy Iowa. My kids think it’s Disneyland because it’s all cornfields. I pay $150 each and they pick fruit like a fun thing. As a kid it was my real job — not such fun.”
OK, so tell me about the tour.
“I’ve done it so long that I even know how to fall on my ass. I talk about my kids, about Roseanne. I’m self-deprecating. I’m funny. Go to TomArnoldComedy.com and get my schedule for the whole year.”
The ‘Hunt’ is on
If we can clear the streets of king-haters, coming up — scratching for some statuette — is “After the Hunt” starring Andrew Garfield. He plays a professor accused of assaulting an African American student.
Film’s ‘Goodfella’ in focus
If worshipping at the altar of Martin Scorsese, there’s the new Apple TV+ miniseries “Mr. Scorsese.”
Spielberg: “There’ll never be anybody like him again.”
DiCaprio: “Master of exploring the dark side of the human condition. Which is in all of us.”
Jodie Foster: “We need to talk about this darkness. Need to bring it to light.”
Isabella Rossellini: “He’s a saint-sinner. He asks the question like God asks the questions.”
How to get a chilly reception
One more friendly hint. If you’re traveling, try the Ice Hotel. It’s north. North. Very north. We are talking really north.
Like so effing north that it’s 200 kilometers north of the Arctic. Like right off Santa’s behind. I’ve been. Even your shot glass is made of ice — real ice.
It’s 80 rooms. You fly to Kiruna, Sweden. Then it’s sleighs and dogs and freezing your various parts off. No getting warm until you rent a share in Fort Lauderdale.
I’m just trying to help you. I’m being friendly. Look at it this way. Only one problem. No young boys willing to drive Alfa Romeo sleds for you at night.
We now must get together to figure out what Nadler’s going to do with the rest of his time. I’m told he’s going alone into the forest to make a statement without his wife being there — and then will he learn HE IS STILL WRONG?
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.