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Yuks before the real yuck
Today, the only subject is New York.
The prices are up and the management’s down . . . Born naked, wet and hungry, boys get slapped on the ass and it goes downhill from there . . . One stripper awoke after a big night, found her clothes on and yelled: “I’ve been draped” . . . Another learned: Never smack a guy in the face who’s chewing tobacco.
With sex for sale on the street, men will now wear zippers at half mast and prefer activity on days beginning with T: today, Thursday, tomorrow, Thanksgiving, Thaturday and Thunday . . . NYC’s Sanitation Dept. is devoting its November trash pickup to politicians . . . Some candidates, free to run, even made bail.
Aged New York gents all play golf — a small ball chased by guys too old to chase anything else . . . Computers are getting too human. One CEO went to jail because his laptop turned state’s evidence . . . One mistake and you’re called an idiot. Computer makes a mistake and it’s a malfunction.
Communist: A nothing who wants to share his nothing with everybody, or one who borrows your pot to cook your goose . . . Dental patient: “Look, no cavities — but all my gums are gone” . . . In Hell, asked if the detainee preferred Communist or Capitalist section, said “Capitalist. Then I know the heating won’t work.”
Some free advice
Never buy an evening gown from a vending machine, or a loan company that says “Do not borrow from friends. Take from us. You’ll lose your friends. You’ll never lose us,” or from an employment agency that says: “Girl needs job. Willing to struggle if given the opportunity.”
Appreciate America!
Drive last year’s car, wear this year’s clothes, live on next year’s earnings . . . Remember: If your first husband wants to marry you again, he may be after the money you had married him for. It’s America. Land of opportunity. Everyone can still be a taxpayer.
One thing about being bald — it’s neat . . . He looks like something I shot into the side pocket this afternoon . . . The employer hires married men instead of bachelors. Why? “The married ones don’t get so upset if you yell at them” . . . He says he’s not bald, but he has the widest part I’ve ever seen.
Seedy-looking gent approached a well-dressed type on Park Avenue with: “Can you lend me $25? I’ve no place to sleep and no food.” Well-dressed man: “How do I know you won’t take this money and buy drugs?” Bum: “No way. That kind of money I’ve already got.”
Thanks to all
And always remember the immortal words of one of our previous mayors, who was once asked for $125 for a cup of coffee. The mayor said: “$125 just for a cup of coffee?” And the vagrant said: “Well, I can’t go into a nice restaurant dressed like this!”
So: Thank you for voting. Thank you for loving New York. Thanks for appreciating America. And always remember the immortal words of one mayor whose name I already forgot: “To enjoy a good reputation — give publicly and steal privately.”
Happy Election Day.