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Time to dust off the passport
Warm weather’s coming. Traveling is way up. It’s like standing room only on aircraft. Why? Who knows. Planes are now having more trouble than trains. Columbia University has less aggravation.
I have spent over half my life abroad. I’ve missed maybe Madagascar, because even Madagascarenos don’t know where it is. Half of Forest Hills is leaving their two-bedroom condos and schlepping to Europe.
Why? Paris is costly. Cheap was only the guy I was traveling with. Food’s great, fashion’s terrific, sights special — but warm? Friendly? Please. I asked one gas station attendant if he’d also wipe my windshield. He threw the oily rag at me with “Do it yourself.”
One time only were they nice — when I brought my 5-pound Yorkie along. They gave Jazzy water, food, her own chair, her own dishes, photographed her, petted her. Cootchy-coo’d her. Dogs they love. People, no.
Ready to pay up?
London has good hotels. A rear cell overlooking the night before’s trash cans starts at $1,500 a night. Rome? It’s Holy Year. The Vatican’s sold out. Try the Amalfi Coast. Big bargains. $4,000, but it includes breakfast. Lasagna goes good with Colgate.
Mallorca’s a new big thing. Not 100 degrees in the shade and if you’re under a ladyfriend’s fake eyelashes, at least you’re in the shade. Semi economic spots are Prague, Switzerland, Bavaria, Berlin, Scandinavia, Greece, Spain, Poland, Portugal.
Be careful about Portugal. Exiled royalty vacation a few miles from Lisbon in Cascais on the Riviera.
So what do I know, I’m in Cascais seated at a round table for 10. Guy alongside me I don’t know. Nice blue suit. I don’t know from borscht. I ask what’s he do? He says, “I’m temporarily unemployed.” The other nine people stopped swallowing to stare at me. I naturally figured that’s because I’m so gorgeous and worldly. I say, “Well, you must’ve done some great work because your suit’s elegant and your speech perfect. What’s your name?” He says, “Rei.”
Go know “Rei” means KING. Imbecile dummy me is trying to get employment for the former king of Portugal!
Also very hot, Lake Como (NOT CUOMO!). North of Milan where you might spot the neighborhood Clooneys.
Plenty of options
There’s Japan, which broke the international tourism record in 2024 and Bhutan which is way up the Himalayas. Way up. One problem is their high-tech ability.
At Abu Dhabi’s Emirates Palace even the toilet flushes via an iPad. I slept with lights on. Astronauts couldn’t figure how to shut them off.
But, cheapos, pay attention. Hyde Park or Champs-Élysées does Airbnb — $1,299 a night. Multiple bedrooms, and if you don’t make use of any of them because friends are in them you could come off better than our mayor.
The South Pacific. I arrive rainy season. My room? A thatched grass hut. But it rained. Like a lot. Like on me. Rain does not go up. It comes down. Like on me. They changed my grass hut. But it still rained. Joan Crawford starred in the 1932 film “Rain.” When she passed on in 1977 she was drier than I was.