Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former...
ALPHARETTA, GA—Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man...
Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up...
NEW YORK—Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news...
LOS ANGELES—As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise’s lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson...
INDIO, CA—In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift...
Following the release of the trailer for Joker: Folie à Deux, The Onion reveals everything we know about the sequel...
NEW YORK—Humiliated by the front-of-house manager’s derision, local diner Geoff Telsey was reportedly forced to wear the maître d’s toupee...
Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name “ChiefsAholic”,...
While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has instead stated...
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NAPLES, ITALY—In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region prior to...
The advocacy group Consumer Reports found that Lunchables contain potentially dangerous levels of lead, cadmium, and phthalates, as well as...
LOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody...
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of...
LAS VEGAS—With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket,...
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning all abortions from the time of conception with no allowances...
WEATOGUE, CT—Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation’s moms called a press...
A woman in Florida was sentenced to jail time for stealing President Joe Biden’s daughter’s journal and selling it to...